Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (1989)

Zariah is a small desert town with a population dropping so fast they use a chalk board for a welcome sign. It's also home to St Peter's Home For Blind Orphans. When the "Cycle Sluts" -- a gang of all-female bikers -- rolls into town looking for some R&R, you'd think that'd be the worst of Zariah's troubles. And you'd be wrong, because Zariah has a dark secret. Well, actually, a couple of them. The town was founded around a mining community; only the valuable material in the mine is so radioactive it'd kill any living person that ventured into it. The town's miniscule population speaks for that. However, town mortician Ralph Willum (Don Calfa) has devised a way to make money from the mines: by bringing the dead back to life. Unfortunately, the living dead have escaped from their underground prison and are now roaming the streets.

Music makes this movie. As legions of the undead stroll into town, the soundtrack suggests they're going to be preying on the living by throwing custard pies. One particular piece of slide whistle-based musical genius accompanies almost every zombie outing until the end, and never fails to be amusing. The zombies themselves are slightly sub-par: they include a lot of men in suits, a bride, and some bizarre faceless hairdo. It's hard not to conclude that the actors just aren't trying hard enough as they stumble slowly around, arms outstretched, making noises that sound more like noises of mild disappointment than the legendary mournful moan of the undead.

While the zombies are still too far away to cause problems, the Sluts are making the most of the entertainment the town has to offer: Rox rocks out at the bar's jukebox, much to the bemusement of the locals; Dede is confronted by her ex-husband, who coincidentally resides in Zariah, and the rest of the chicks seduce the males of the town with smooth lines such as "You don't want tv, you want coitus!" Which, by the way, is a line I'm planning to use one day. Whilst out having fun, though, the Sluts are stalked by Willum's henchman, the wonderfully named dwarf Bob Littleton (Ed Gale). Lucile falls victim to Willum's evil scheme early on, though, wonderfully, her desire for cock -- or, as she delicately puts it, "meat" -- lasts far beyond the grave.

The movie really comes into its own during the final battle. The Chicks, aided by the blind kids weilding an Uzi, and armed with a baseball bat, a staple gun, a blowtorch and piles and piles of dynamite, battle the undead in a fight that culminates with them luring the zombies into a church and then blowing it up. Which is, of course, awesome. Willum thwarts them at every turn as best he can, even going so far as to give the zombies guns of their own -- worst idea ever -- but since Bob's gone over to the Sluts's side, eventually the zombie threat is vanquished. The Sluts, along with several members of Zariah's living population, ride off into the sunset.

As zombie movies go, Chopper Chicks is probably one of the least scary ones. It makes up for that by far in hilarity though: the townspeople, unwilling to fight off their undead relatives, even incorporate some of the walking dead back into society, reasoning that as long as no-one gets eaten, no-one will notice. The one zombie that remains in the mine, swaying as he watches the security camera move from side to side, is possibly the cutest zombie ever. Aww.

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